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Daily Notes on Poetry & Related Matters

April 12: While subbing yesterday, I thought about a commentary I don't think too much of on Basho's pond haiku, following what I consider thirty not-too-hot or worse English versions of the haiku, that I recently read at the Bureau of Public Secrets. That got me into making revisions of the poem yet again. The best was:


old pond,
silent until, suddenly,
a frog splashes in

Not to be considered a translation, but a rendering that I try to do as much as I can with the poem--yes, improve it, if possible. As I hope future poets will try to improve mine. I think the above successful, but checked the version of the poem I had in my From Haiku To Lyriku and found it superior:


old pond;
suddenly, a diving frog's
just-audible splash

Each of these establishes an old pond as a scene's central subject. It's an "old pond"--or a pond that could be anywhere, hence a pond every reader would have seen. Universality, folks. It's old, not "ancient," as one of the haiku at Bureau of Public Secrets has it. "Ancient" suggests back in Rome, Greece or Mesopotamia. The pond may go back to one of them, but it may only go back to the time of our Civil War. Plus, "ancient" is an ornate word inappropriate, in my view, to this pond. A familiar old pond, but with no necessay linkage to anything special. The words, "old" and "pond" also have consonance. No big deal, but nice. Together, they make an extremely concise image, then stop the reader. Just an old pond but reflect on it for a moment or two, it's saying.

In my recentest version of the poem, the second line explicitly indicates that the pond is silent, something I said in my book I was somewhat against. But I like my second line, anyway, for its simplicity, and for ending suspensefully--suddenly, what? Then comes the frog, immediately followed by its splash. Important is the "in" that ends the poem, because I think it important that the frog is splashing into, not out of, the pond. Into a Very Different World. Most important, though, is the splash that breaks the silence, and says something about duration versus transience.

The second and third lines of the version I consider better say the same thing less directly, and somewhat less purely simple. The pond's silence previous to the frog's splash is suggested by the fact that the splash is "just-audible." That the frog is diving indicates that it willenter the pond. ANother thing I prefer in this version is that the splash is emphasized more. This seems to me proper because the splash's duration is the main thing in the pome contrasted with the pond's oldness. I consider the frog's life-span to contrast with both, too, but secondarily. All contrast, finally, with the age of the earth, for those with a background in geology. For those with other backgrounds, other contrasts are as plausible, I'm sure. There's even some Zen stuff in it--for those who bring it to the poem. It's not in the poem. Only the pond, the frog, and the splash are there. The silence is also there implicitly, I believe.

Hmmm, maybe I'll go with:


old pond,
silent until, suddenly,
a frog's splash

Why this? Because I'm crazy. But I suddenly like the verbal music of the second line--and figure, what the hell, a frog's emergence from a different world is as effective as its entrance of one, and I think most readers would read the splash as the result of an entrance. The simplicity is probably the key virtue of this version. Who knows which of my many versions I'll consider my best when, for the last time before I croak, I choose between them (and others I'll make, no doubt).

Note, my newest version is extremely unoriginal, though I don't believe any other version is exactly like it. I've stolen from many of the other versions, including those in the list at Bureau of Public Secrets. I consider my project mostly an attempt to perfect, learn, educate and have fun, not to be original.

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